It really really hurts to be alive

I have not written in months. I have no creativity in me. I think the me I was has drained out of my body, tear by tear over the past couple months. 

You see, my girls attend a school that are absolutely great… and still is great… but now it is different. It is no longer just a great school with an amazing different curriculum where nerdy and wizard like kids can be who they are and just be happy… Now it is a school that became part of a statistic, a school shooting statistic. 

I love the school and its atmosphere. I hate to go there. My girls are really happy in the school, they fitted in right away, although that was not the case with the previous private Christian school. I want to put them in another school. I always drive my girls to school and pick them up myself because I love spending time with them, I don’t want to be close to the school location at all. I enjoy volunteering and spending time at school. I’d rather give money and never go to school again. The girls must go to a good school, get the best academic education they can and have wonderful social interaction with their peers. Homeschooling sounds wonderful, they can be in their rooms, home, safe…

My life has become a contradiction. Everything I believe and stand for has become null and void, in a moment. I’m a Christian, I believe. I know that the Bible does not tell us as Christians we will be spared pain and suffering, on the contrary. But, where was God when a young man lost his life? Offering himself so that others could live? Why did God not blow life back into him, so that he could be a son, a student, a friend… have future…Why did God allow this heinous crime to take place? Have all my prayers over the years been in vein? 

What makes us think that it is normal to make school children practice lockdown drills, and shelter in place drills ? Why do we anticipate a school shooting? And why do we think that gun laws and more security measures will prevent school shootings? How can we think it is normal to subject a little 5-year-old to these drills, and then have them evacuate a school after a shooting with their little innocent hands raised above their heads, to make sure they are not concealing a weapon? It is not normal.

I do not blame guns for gun violence. Nor do I blame parents for the actions of their children, to some extent. No parent raises a child, to one morning wake up and take a gun to school and shoot his/her peers. Yet, as parents, grandparents, adults, friends, strangers, neighbors, acquaintances, we are responsible, because together, we are the society our kids grow up in. The real sadness I see, is our kids being the future. The parents of generations to come. What a broken world we live in. How broken and hurt must a child be to bring violence to his/her peers, to take the life of a friend, probably hoping to die during the act…

And now? What now? The world continues to live, the drills continue, and everyone move on and say, it could have been worse you know, more lives could have been lost, quick response times… But what about the real cause of the actions? A broken world, a hopelessness in our world… I ask myself every day, if there will ever be a day again, that this hurt will ever go away. I hope it will, yet I think it will always hurt to be alive.